Momentary Direction

I have done a lot of ruminating lately about life post-graduation because I truly feel like I am floating.  For some reason, when you no longer have a to-do list that is a million miles long and constantly added to by various professors, a lot of things you have managed to put off, ignore, or momentarily reconcile with yourself break through your no longer reinforced barrier and smack you right in the face.  I like to think I am relatively at peace with myself, so I probably could have been hit a lot harder, but that didn't make the blow any less surprising.  It's probably more accurate to say that it was a series of little slaps that crescendoed into a dizzying, star-seeing, balance-losing finale, knocking me flat on my ass, wondering what happened.

My time in Maine and my writing, as always, propped me back up on my own two feet and I felt ok again.  A little bewildered but much steadier.  I got home and hung out with friends.  I saw the Hangover II, which honestly wasn't that great.  I realized yesterday, that I only had nine days before I hopped on a plane and headed down to D.C. for my job this summer.  Nine days was a lot less than I thought I had.  I panicked momentarily and then almost felt relieved.  All of the unpacking and organizing and repacking was now placed within a smaller time frame, which provides me with the opportunity to create a to-do list.  I feel more in my element with a list of things to do.  I have a momentary direction with my job fast approaching, and I have the comfort, for now, of knowing what to expect, because it is the same job I had last summer.  There are things I know to expect that I am not looking forward to, but unlike my future after this job ends, I know how to prepare, what to pack, what will happen, what's expected, where I will be, what I will be doing, and I know that I am good at it.  It's about the only grounding force I have right now, and I suppose I must admit that I am thankful for it.  I also am really excited to be in the same place as my brother for more than a week, for the first time in maybe eight years.  As a ridiculously awesome added bonus, I also get to see my cousin Meg and my brother's girlfriend, Lilly, who is wonderful.  I'm really excited about getting to spend time with the three of them!

So what happens after D.C.? Who knows. But I'm ok with it.  At first I was embarrassed that I had nothing to say to anyone when they asked me about the Peace Corps.  It would go something like this.
"So, do you have a plan for (after graduation/this summer/next year/your future)?"
*Sigh* "Well, yes.  I am planning on doing the Peace Corps."
"Oh Wow! When do you leave?"
"Um..*sigh*..well, I don't know yet.  I'm still waiting to find out."
"Do you know where you are going?"
"...no."
"Oh." *awkward pause* "Well do you have a preference?"
"Yes. I am hoping to end up in Central or South America, I speak Spanish already, and I've been there before...but I'll probably end up in West Africa."
"Oh! What makes you think that?"
"Well, most of the health extension programs are in West Africa."
"You know doing "health extension"? What's that?"
"Health extension is health advocacy or education, depending upon where you are and the needs of that place."
"Sort of like public health?"
"Exactly."
"So when will you find out where you are going and when you leave?"
"I don't know. I'm just...waiting..."
"Oh. Well what do you want to do when you get back?"
"No idea, that's why I am running away for two years."

Yeah. That's how it goes every time...pretty much without fail. It was always awkward for me because it always sounded like I had just made it up, like I was saying I was doing the Peace Corps just to have something to say, and not because I was actually doing it.  At this point, it's only frustrating sometimes that I have no answers and sort of hilarious the rest of the time.  People who know me, and have been kept relatively up to date on the application process (which started in October), keep asking me about it so tentatively.  It's as if they think I'm going to explode in impatience and frustration, or from irritation at being strung along and kept completely uninformed.  In truth, the process has been wearisome to say the least, and frustrating at best, but I am fine.  I am not tortured by the waiting, because I know wherever they elect to send me, I am going to go.  That decision makes everything easier, because I am not waiting to decide if I will or will not go. I'm not worried about finding an alternative.  I suppose they might not take me, which would seem silly at this point, but I have a backup plan regardless.  I just have faith that everything is going to turn out like it should.  I will be sent to the place that I can do the most good, I will go where I am supposed to go, and if for some freak reason I am not offered an invitation it's because I was not supposed to go.  In that case, I'll hunt for jobs in Boston, find the cheapest apartment I can, and get to work.  I just can't sit at home much longer feeling unproductive.  I also am hoping that the Peace Corps wants me to ship out in September, so I can get things squared away here and finish work at my summer job so I can afford to pay off what needs to be paid off before I leave.  They have to tell me where I am going at least 8 weeks before they ship me out, so the longer I don't hear, the better chance there is that I am leaving in September.  If I heard today, I would be leaving the 28th of July.  If I left the very first of September, they would have to tell me by July 7th at the lastest.  Part of me hopes I don't hear for a while, and if I have any anxiety right now it is because I need to be able to work for a while before I leave!  So, that's that. I'm relatively at peace for the moment, though I do still miss Yale and am mourning the end of college without a doubt.  Luckily, I have stopped graduating in my dreams every night, and now just have vivid dreams about my upcoming job.  It will be a welcome distraction. 

Love you all.

The end. :)