Assigned a Country, but still ungrounded.

It was at 4:50 pm on Wednesday night, June 8th, and I had given up hope.  The post office closed at 4:45, I was going to have to make it another sleepless, excited night and I was attempting to come to grips with it as I sprawled on the little sofa in our living room, watching a Friend's episode where Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel get invested in some book that describes women as goddesses and talks about how men steal their wind.  The innuendoes and fart references were pretty out of control.

Anyway, I notoriously don't deal well with disappointment, and although the Peace Corps has really pushed me to be patient with everything throughout the application process, I am still SO bad at handling disappointment.  It can be pretty embarrassing sometimes, honestly.  I keep reminding myself that one of the main requirements as a Peace Corps Volunteer is patience and flexibility.  I try to look at it like they are training me early, before it realllllly matters.

So there I was, fighting to keep my cool through distraction.  As I sat there giggling at Pheobe, I became faintly aware of a low humming noise.  My ears narrowed in on it before my mind had registered the sound, and when my super slow brain clicked into gear, my ears had isolated that one sound, and it was suddenly loud.

"TRUCK ENGINE"

My eyes practically popped out of my head as I whipped around to look out the living room window at the driveway.  All I could see was the poop brown surface with khaki tan letters of a UPS truck.

PACKAGE!

Just to keep myself in check, I reminded myself that it could be the journal I ordered for myself for the Peace Corps, or it might just be something for Mom. When I opened the front screen door, the UPS guy was already back in his truck and a parcel too narrow but too big to be my journal sat right at the tip of the porch outside my front door.

EEEEEEK!  THIS COULD BE IT!!!

As I leaned down to pick up the package, I looked at the sender's address in the upper left corner.

"Peace Corps"

AHHHH!!!!

I tore off the plastic shipping envelope to find a bright thick blue folder on the inside.  I was already inside the house again and plopped down in the nearest chair.  The cover of the folder read, "The Peace Corps Invites You to Serve"

WHERE?????? wherewherewherewherewherewherewherewherewhere???!!!!

My heart was pounding so hard it felt like my toes and fingertips were expanding and constricting with each pulse.  I pulled the velcro apart to open the top flap and scanned the contents.  There was a little paper pamphlet at the front, three little books and a few pieces of free paper, and then four or five neatly labeled folders with things like "passport and visas" and "finances and insurance".  I couldn't help the small surge of pleasure I feel when I am given things or make things that are extremely well organized.  I  appreciated that for about 5 seconds before my mind snapped back.

"wherewherewherewhere??"

My eyes automatically zeroed back in on the little pamphlet in the front due.

"YOUR ASSIGNMENT" was printed in block letters on the front, and right below a little ying-yang sun "Country:  Peru" was highlighted.  I waited for that surge of ridiculous excitement that I had felt when Brian had called me and told me about the general geographic region I was going, but I didn't feel it.  It was more an "Oh." or "well, obviously" feeling.  I don't mean I was disappointed but I wasn't jumping around and screaming like I had expected.  When that feeling didn't come I started to panic.  Why wasn't I freaking out?  This is what I had waited so long for, why wasn't I super excited? Was I disappointed? No, it didn't feel like disappointment...  Was it too real and now I was scared? Was I just anxious? Nervous? Was I PMSing? Did I make the wrong choice? What was wrong with me? Did I not want to go to Peru?  The handwritten "Congrats, Hayden!!" on the bottom of the front page of that pamphlet made me feel worse because I didn't feel the exclamation point.

I put the folder down and wandered around my house for a couple minutes hoping to settle my mind.  I didn't feel disappointed, and in the weeks while I waited, whenever anyone asked me where I wanted to end up, I always said Central or South America, saying I hoped to be in Peru, Nicaragua, Costa Rica or Honduras.  I had felt like Peru was a likely option and I was excited for it.  When I found out I would end up in that geographic region, Peru was one of the countries I had happily pictured... It didn't feel like disappointment.

So what was it?  Up until this point, I had counted on my spontaneous reactions to things to guide me, and really give me an idea of how I felt about everything.  I always knew that applying to the Peace Corps was risky, a daring move to dedicate 27 months of my life to a place I'd never been, people I'd never met, a language that isn't my own, and a job I've never done before, in conditions worse than I have ever lived before.  There is a lot to overanalyze and freak out about, and so it was the small steps throughout the application process, the small progressions and successes towards the end goal that told me I was doing the right thing.  The excitement I felt when I got nominated, the pride I felt when I told people what I was going to do after college, the disappointment I felt when I heard I missed the deadline for my first nomination, the anxiety I felt while waiting to be newly assigned, the absolute EXPLOSION of excitement and joy I felt with Brian called me to tell me I had been placed in a central or south american country, and the nervous jittery christmas-eve feeling I had waiting for the packet of information to tell me where I was going.  So why, at the end of it all, did I feel like this?  Did I feel so, "oh, ok." instead of "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I'M SO SOSOSOSOSOSO FLIPPIN EXCITED"...which is what I had definitely anticipated.

I didn't come to an immediate conclusion.

I walked back into the living room, pulled out the little pamphlet thing and sat down to read it.
Program: Community Health Promotion
Job Title: Community Health Promoter
Orientation Dates: September 15, 2011
Pre-service Training (in Peru): September 16, 2011 to November 24, 2011
Dates of Service: November 25, 2011 to November 24, 2013.

The inside of the pamphlet contained various things, A letter from the associate Peace corps Director for Community Health Promotion; History of the program in Peru; a list of and explanation about my primary duties as a community health promoter and peace corps volunteer; potential ideas for secondary projects; the type of work conditions, including available resources, location of job, work hours, cultural attitudes and customs in the workplace, and dress code; Training for the job; living conditions; potential challenges and rewards; and two different letters from peace corps volunteers.

Reading through the pamphlet I was struck repeatedly by how perfect the work is for me.  I will be doing exactly what I wanted to do.  I want to do community health work in a place that really needs it, I really want to go abroad, I really want to go to a spanish speaking country.   Despite how nervous I felt, at the same time, I couldn't shake the feeling that I had gotten exactly what I wanted.  The Peace Corps is giving me the opportunity and authority to do work I would never be given the opportunity to do in the U.S., and they are supporting me while I am doing it.  I felt more contented after reading through that packet, and it mattered less to me that I hadn't jumped for joy when I first found out.

I called Mom, who didn't pick up.  I called AJ and told her.  She was really excited for me, but when I told her how strange my reaction had been she told me I probably just needed time to let it sink in, and that when I started to tell everyone where I was going it would hit me and I would be excited about it.  It comforted me that she didn't seem to think it was a hugely bad sign.  I was restless for Mom to get home.  I knew she'd be excited for me and I wanted to see her face when I told her.

When Mom came home a few hours later, I walked outside with the pamphlet in my hand.  She greeted me in her usually warm, happy-to-be-home way.
"Hey Mom, I have something I think you need to look at." I said seriously, with a completely straight face.
"What? What is it?" She asked, concerned.
I held the pamphlet out to her. She took it in her hand, scanned it for a second before she screamed, "PERU!??!!"
I laughed, "yeah, I'm going to Peru."
"OH MY GOSH!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!"  She looked so pleased I thought she might cry, and she gave me a tight hug.
"I HOPED they would send you there!  Of all the places in the world I want an excuse to visit, this is it!!"
I laughed at her.  I knew full well that regardless of where I was placed, Mom would have said that about anywhere just to make me feel good.  Her excitement did make me feel better though.

I spent the rest of that night talking with Mom about how I felt and looking through the materials with her.  She made me feel better too.  I came to a few conclusions.  First and foremost, I was overwhelmed.  Still not quite over the blunt and unforgiving sever of me from my Yale college life, I had all the stress of no promised future with the Peace Corps and then a lengthy, stressful process with no end in site.  I had also known, in my conversation with Brian when he told me that I had been placed, that I had gotten exactly what I wanted, and that knowing the country was just the icing on top of a great cake.  I had felt the surge of excitement then, and finding out about Peru just felt like an obvious answer to a final question.  I think I also just expected to be able to finally have a vision, to finally be able to picture the next few years of my life when I knew the country.  I expected that relief and comfort of knowing. That wasn't really the case.

The way the Peace Corps works, is that you leave for your country of service and you have training in a central location for three months, before you are shipped out to your personal site for your two years of service.  So even though I know I am going to Peru, and I now know I will be in Lima for training, I have NO idea where in that country I will end up.  I dont know if I will be in the Andes, on the coast, or anywhere else in between.  I still have no real vision and no ability to plant myself.  It's pretty scary, and kind of exciting.  I cant even really read a guidebook about it because lord knows where I will end up and Peru has such a diverse landscape.  So, these factors combined to leave me still lacking the clarity, solidity, and comfort I had hoped for, but excited about an adventure that is perfect for me, and glad to finally have an answer for a few more of everyone's questions, including my own.