Goodbye Yale, Get it together Peace Corps, Hello Maine :)

I don't really know where to start.  There is so much to fill in and so much I guess I'm not quite ready to talk about.  I suppose we should start with orienting ourselves.

1. I'm not in Rio Grande Valley, Texas anymore, though the trip was freaking AMAZING and I lack words to describe how great it was anyway.
2. I have officially graduated from Yale University, which as I predicted, has left me floating in space with little to hold on to, too many amazing people I have said goodbye to, and a beautiful class ring that I wanted super badly and have yet to take off.
3. I am currently listening to Mumford and Sons in the big bed in the "Garage Cabin" at my family place in Maine.  Not the usual - I am not surrounded by crazy cousins but instead have a nearly blind doggie asleep and SNORING on the carpet in the middle of the room.

So here I am. What to say? I didn't realize how badly I would miss everyone right away when I graduated. Graduation was a whirlwind and happened and ended so fast.  Commencement day was overwhelming, and I feel like there are too many people I didn't get a chance to really say goodbye to.  Mom was exhausted when we left so I drove home and I cried driving out of New Haven, at my last glimpse of the Kappa House, a place I had called home because of the amazing women I got to live with; Old Campus, where I lived for two years and always looked like the inside of a castle; Calhoun, a place I felt so much for right when I left and wish I had just one more year with; Cross Campus and Sterling Library, the most beautiful view on campus looking up that grassy lawn to the beautiful tower of the "cathedral of knowledge"; Commons, where I spent so many days studying hard inside and having meal dates with people I loved.  It was so hard to leave, and little things make me think of those people who made my time at Yale amazing despite the constant struggle.  I miss them all, those who graduated this year, who won't graduate for one, two, or three years, and those who have already graduated and meant so much to me.  I can't believe I don't have another year!  It's heartbreaking, and I don't know when I'll finally get over it.  To those girls that I lived with and love too much, I don't know how anywhere will ever feel like home without them.  My friends at Yale have truly become family and I hope that despite all the amazing things we are all going off to do, that we remain close, because I can't bare anything less.  I love you!

Being home has been strange.  I am a better person than I was when I left for Yale, and much different. At my house in Lyme, I feel myself fall into old routines and habits that are not representative of the person I am now.  It scares me a little, I feel like coming home has taken me a step back and I have this fear that the longer I stay in that house, the further back I will slip, and the more progress I will lose.  At the same time, it is a relief to be back in the place I called home with my Mom, because it is proof you can always go back to the places and people that you love.  The comfort of being home has eased some of the sting of  severing myself from the place I have called home and people I have called family for the last four years.  We are adaptable, and in a way I love that because we survive, but I hate it too, as if it almost cheapens the extraordinary things we cultivated that we have to leave.  I hate knowing that I will be ok even though I just said goodbye to something so wonderful, but I also cling to that idea for comfort at the same time.

It's been 4 days since I graduated from Yale, and I am already aching for a project or really any intellectual engagement.  I have been reading like a crazy person, and discovering new paths to run through the woods on my daily run.  I'm currently reading Little Women, because I think I unintentionally read an abridged version when I was in 4th grade and I feel like everyone has to read Little Women.  It's sort of fun, because I'm reading from my grandmother's old copy that was given to her in the 1930s, and the binding is broken and floppy, and the occasional illustrations are old-school.

I have fallen into a kind of routine. I've been reading and sleeping late, and an hour or so after brunch I leave my house for an epic "walk-joggie-run" as I explained to Mom.  I remembered this trail through the woods that leaves the pavement and cuts through to the center of town.  I went on the trail the other day.  I had forgotten that it followed Grant Brook all the way into town.  It was absolutely beautiful running along next to the brook, and fun to have to pay enough attention to make sure that I didn't trip over a root or step wrong on a rock.  I flew through that stretch of woods, realizing for the first time every how much I LOVE trail running!  When I got onto Market Street down in town, I discovered a second trail I had forgotten about that goes all the way down to Route 10, and I followed it, as it followed the brook, and the sun was shining, the weather beautiful, and the trail was well maintained.  I came out on Route 10 and walked up to the library.  I ran into Alex, my friend from Lyme School (we went K-8 together).  We chatted for a bit, I poked through some of the new fiction on the library shelf, and then made my way home.  It was absolutely lovely, took me about an hour and a half with the Library stop, and I was tired by the time I got home.  It was a great workout and let me really center myself again.  The only negative of the whole run was that I found about three ticks on my clothes afterwards.  I am morally opposed to ticks, and find them absolutely revolting.

I am sleeping terribly.  Every night I have these super vivid dreams about graduating from Yale and about the people that I miss the most.  I wake up five or six times a night.  It's awful.  I'm sad enough during the day that I just want to rest when I am asleep!  Last night, I tried sleeping in my brother's old room (he's been out of the house for 8 years) and it helped a little but I still slept badly.  I don't know how to fix it, so I am just hoping that I stop graduating in my dreams sometime soon.

I went on another beautiful run today, which was great, and had to fend off the ticks as I went.  I don't know why those little bastards creep me out as much as they do but I'm terrified of getting Lyme's disease and not being able to do the Peace Corps.  I also hate the idea that they are crawling around in my hair...gives me the heeby geebies.

Peace Corps Update:
 I suppose I haven't updated about my recent conversation with the Peace Corps.  So I heard back from the Peace Corps about a week before graduation asking me when I would be available to answer a few questions the following week.  I knew at that point that I had passed my medical forms, and passed everything I needed to, and was just being re-reviewed by the placement office.  Apparently, I had missed the deadline for my program by a day, which was frustrating because they had been reviewing my medical forms for two and a half months at that point.  Because "I" missed the deadline, the placement office had to re-review my application and assign me to a new program.  I agreed to talk with Brian, the placement officer, the day after graduation, Tuesday.  When he called, he asked me a lot of the same questions I had been asked in my initial interview and I answered them again.  He asked if I would be willing to do worldwide service, which means places other than my geographic preference (Central/South America).  I responded with something along the lines of "Well, if I could pick where I went, I would choose C/S America because...    He then told me that because of budget cuts there were fewer programs going out, and that most of the health-extension programs were in West Africa.  I then, super hesitantly agreed to be considered for worldwide service.  He told me he would be in touch, I asked if he could give me more information than that, he said not really, but he would probably be in touch within the next week.  In classic Peace Corps form, I still haven't heard from him. So much for that.

When I got off the phone with him, I wandered aimlessly around the house thinking "Oh My God what did I just do?"

On my run I let myself mull over potentially volunteering somewhere in Africa.  I think my biggest reservations are that I don't speak French and I am terrible at learning new languages and also that anywhere in Africa is so much more expensive to get to for anyone than Central or South America, that so many people are less likely to visit me than before.  Other than that, I really should go where I am needed and do what I can to make a difference.  We will see what happens, and now, again, I am just waiting.  (Sound familiar?)

One thing we do know:
I mentioned to the guy that I would also be totally happy doing education while in the Peace Corps and he told me he was just in the health extension department, so that was definitely what I was doing.  One piece of solid information. I'll take it.

Maine
I got up to my family place in Maine today and felt like a million pounds were lifted on me.  This place is truly my salvation.  I love it so much here.  My mom and I drank wine and sat on the back dock watching a lightening storm over the hill to the West of us.  It was beautiful.  We then walked to her cabin and sat on her porch.  We talked for three hours, sitting there in our rocking chairs.  It's wonderful to be here, like truly coming home.  I miss my cousins and wish they were here with me, but I am so happy to be here and so sad to think that I might not be back here for two years.

I'm tired. It's late.  I'll write soon.

The end.