The Essence of my Peace Corps Experience

In March, or maybe April, I hit a hard wall in my Peace Corps service while on vacation during Semana Santa at one of the most beautiful beaches on the planet with alcoholic slushies available for just a glimpse at my wrist band (until I checked out, of course).  I should have been super happy to finally get out of site after months, to get some sun after 6 months of constant rain, to see other volunteers that I hadn't seen since November.  It wasn't like that.  I ended up sitting in a pile of sand in the dark, getting eaten alive by some sort of awful sand bug, and calling my big brother.  It was the first time I ever said, "I want to go home." It was also the only time I've ever really meant it. Up until that point, I'd tried really hard to put on a brave face, to be the Peace Corps volunteer I envisioned myself to be, and to keep my chin up when I talked to my older brothers.  I wanted them to be proud of me and a part of me thought that Jamey would be way better at being a volunteer than I was.  

Jamey told me a lot of things.  I think I took him a little off-guard with the phone call.  One of the things he said was that being in your 20s after college sucks.  There are plenty of fun parts about it, but there is a ton of growing up that has to be done and it happens slowly and super painfully.  He told me I was just doing it all at super speed.  I was going through that decade of growing up in two years instead.  At the time, I didn't really know how I felt about that explanation, but regardless, he convinced me to stay.

Since then, I've definitely said, "I want to go home" again, but the only time I really meant it was when I knew my dog was going to die.  I wanted to be there for her, for my mom, and for a friend who's life had taken a rough turn and needed support.  That time, however, I didn't mean go home for good, just to visit.  And in moments of hardship or sadness or whatever, I've said it, but I haven't really meant it, more that it would be WAYYYYYY easier if I was home than dealing with this crap right now.

The essence of Peace Corps...I think has a lot to do with what my brother said, that Peace Corps provides the opportunity for accelerated growth, which can be so painful, but is fundamentally a good thing.  We also battle with all sorts of realities that aren't normal, like, for example, how I feel like I am part of a poor rural community in the middle of the Andes, but I have a Yale education and a much more comfortable life I'm still holding onto in the States.  I have to struggle with the shame and guilt of the relief I feel that I don't have to stay here forever.

But then there are all these other challenges, defeating moments, homesickness, anxiety, confusion, and constant battles to feel like the same intelligent person I was when I left the States.  I have to remind myself that just because I'm functioning in another language, in another culture, doing things I've never done, it doesn't make me stupid, it just makes everything harder.  Peace Corps service has pushed me so far out my comfort zone that I had to build a new comfort zone.  It seems that every time I get comfortable, something comes crashing down and I have to rebuild myself back up again.  But in the middle of all that mayhem, all that destruction and reconstruction, I'm rebuilding myself into someone better.  I am adding something that makes me stronger, more resilient, more competent, braver.  It's maddening, but there is one quote I have on my wall that keeps me sane.  It is the essence of my Peace Corps service:

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

It's so insanely true.  Every time something comes crashing down, I'm dazed and frustrated for a little while, and then I start making lists and finding ways to move forward and the end result is always better than where I was before.  That quote keeps me sane.  Fundamentally, it's something we've all heard before, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  We all know that quote, but I have never continuously experienced the truth of that statement in my life like I have in Peace Corps.  It reminds me that in all the adversity I experience, I have to look for the good, for the new strength. 

Right now, I'm in a rebuilding stage.  All the recent struggles I've had have lit a fire under my ass and got me moving like never before and I'm feeling really proud of the progress!