Men

One of the things that has been incredibly challenging here is my vulnerability and the way that it effects my interactions with people.  I have always been an very trusting and open person, and it is hard to have to replace some of that with wariness and a bit of suspicion.  It's not who I am, but it is what I'm forced to do, being a foreign female living alone in a place where I am a target for rape and sexual assault for just being who I am, where I am.  I don't like being suspicious or wary.  I don't like doubting people's motives because doubting them makes me doubt myself.  Let me put this in context and give you a couple of examples.

I was sitting at the mototaxi stop, waiting for someone to come who would be willing to drive me up the mountain to my town, when a middle-aged man walked across the street and started up a conversation with me.  It's not all that common that people start up conversations with me, and it's really exciting when it happens, but I couldn't help being cautious.  It doesn't happen very often, so what are this guy's motives? he asked me what I was doing there, if I was a tourist, and I always like being able to tell people that I live there.  We talked about the Peace Corps and what we are doing in Perú.  He asked me if I have friends around in the area, which could have just been curiosity but could also have been an effort to find out how alone I am, and where else in the world I have traveled.  Everyone asks me how much I am paid, which is always a weird question, and it's always funny to see their faces when I tell them I don't receive a salary, only enough to pay for my room and food.  The concept of "volunteer" is a little confusing.  As this guy was talking to me, I was stuck between being thrilled I had met someone new and he seemed nice, to being completely paranoid that he might want something more from me, or have a motive of some kind.  I kept looking around and people were staring at us.  Was I making an ass of myself?  Was this guy hitting on me and I didn't know it?  Did it look like I was flirting even though I was just trying to be friendly?  There's so much insecurity there, because I am definitely not privy to the social customs and sly subtleties of flirtation or anything in that department.  OR was I being rude to a guy who was just trying to be friendly and make the white girl sitting alone on a curb feel more welcome in his country?  I don't want to be rude, but I don't want to be played, either.  Is the paranoia some kind of subtle racism on my part? Or am I just hyper cautious because I am aware of my own extreme vulnerability?

Example #2:
I was walking down the road into town a week or so ago and this guy came walking up behind me.  I wasn't afraid of being on the road alone with him because everything is pretty open and I do feel a sense of security in my own town.  It's tranquilo, and everyone knows everyone because it is tiny.  After we finished having the classic conversation that goes something like this:
"You can walk?"
"yes. I can walk."
"Wow, you're walking."
"Yes, I am walking."
"Yeah, you can walk."
"yes. I can walk."
"Look at you walk!"
"......"
He started chatting with me about all the same things, where are you from? are you a tourist? where do you live? what are you doing here? what are you going to do here? etc. We were walking along together, and I was waiting for the mototaxi we had seen go up the mountain to come back down to take me to Chota.  Sometimes they come back down already full, so common practice is to not wait for them. So this guy and I were walking, having a fine time, (I was walking well, he said), when we heard a mototaxi coming back.  He said goodbye and started to walk off down a trail, when it turned out the mototaxi was actually a motorcycle.  Right then it started to pour.  He called out to me to follow him but it was a shortcut down the mountain that I had never taken before, and I had walked down a couple times with my host mom.  I was immediately wary.  "Where are we going?" I asked him.  "Chota! I'm going to Chota too." He said to me.  It was stupid for me to be worried, the mountain face is just farm land and is all open.  There's no place to hide, to place to inconspicuously attack someone in any way, and this guy had been really nice.  I felt stupid for being worried, but I couldn't help it.  I gave myself a mental kick for being stupid, and walked after him.  Luckily, the moto came around the corner right after that, and I went running back to the road to catch it.  I hated that I had hesitated to follow him, and that I questioned him, because he had been so nice to me and I had doubted him.

Example 3:

My host dad, Samuel, is without a doubt my favorite person in the family.  He is gentle and kind, and he's so sweet with Mishel.  He always acts so happy to see me and makes me feel so welcome.  He's just a great guy and has yet to make me feel super awkward, or pressure me to eat, or walk into my room without permission.  I feel like he respects me, and maybe even enjoys having me around.  However, I have to be careful to not be too excited to see him on the very off chance that Celina decides I am trying to steal him.  This is a common issue in Perú, when host mom's of volunteers think that their spouses are attracted to the volunteer, or the volunteer is flirting with their spouses.  It ruins the whole relationship and the volunteer usually has to move.  I don't want to give anyone that impression ever, so I have to be careful.

I guess overall, I just don't like feeling like I have to behave differently than who I am, and I guess I also just don't like being vulnerable and all the implications that has on behavior and instincts.  I guess I'm just going to get used to it, and hopefully I'll stop getting mad at myself for being cautious or careful about things.  I just haven't decided that the phrase "better safe than sorry" is a completely sound rule of thumb.