Saturday, June 25, 2011

tiny reflection

in brief moments I get for private reflection, I find myself torn between the complete despair of being separated from all the people that I love and the confidence and self assurance that I am about to begin an adventure on my own for which I am so excited and so emotionally well prepared.

Friday, June 24, 2011

BUSY BEEEE

Hey all - I'm sorry I haven't written in forever.  I am in the midst of a conference for the organization I am working for ( I apparently can't talk about it on my blog or they will fire me?) and it is a 6:00 am to midnight job.  I don't have any alone time or much time to sleep, much less write.  I will do my best though to get everyone caught up during break time. :) xo

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Assigned a Country, but still ungrounded.

It was at 4:50 pm on Wednesday night, June 8th, and I had given up hope.  The post office closed at 4:45, I was going to have to make it another sleepless, excited night and I was attempting to come to grips with it as I sprawled on the little sofa in our living room, watching a Friend's episode where Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel get invested in some book that describes women as goddesses and talks about how men steal their wind.  The innuendoes and fart references were pretty out of control.

Anyway, I notoriously don't deal well with disappointment, and although the Peace Corps has really pushed me to be patient with everything throughout the application process, I am still SO bad at handling disappointment.  It can be pretty embarrassing sometimes, honestly.  I keep reminding myself that one of the main requirements as a Peace Corps Volunteer is patience and flexibility.  I try to look at it like they are training me early, before it realllllly matters.

So there I was, fighting to keep my cool through distraction.  As I sat there giggling at Pheobe, I became faintly aware of a low humming noise.  My ears narrowed in on it before my mind had registered the sound, and when my super slow brain clicked into gear, my ears had isolated that one sound, and it was suddenly loud.

"TRUCK ENGINE"

My eyes practically popped out of my head as I whipped around to look out the living room window at the driveway.  All I could see was the poop brown surface with khaki tan letters of a UPS truck.

PACKAGE!

Just to keep myself in check, I reminded myself that it could be the journal I ordered for myself for the Peace Corps, or it might just be something for Mom. When I opened the front screen door, the UPS guy was already back in his truck and a parcel too narrow but too big to be my journal sat right at the tip of the porch outside my front door.

EEEEEEK!  THIS COULD BE IT!!!

As I leaned down to pick up the package, I looked at the sender's address in the upper left corner.

"Peace Corps"

AHHHH!!!!

I tore off the plastic shipping envelope to find a bright thick blue folder on the inside.  I was already inside the house again and plopped down in the nearest chair.  The cover of the folder read, "The Peace Corps Invites You to Serve"

WHERE?????? wherewherewherewherewherewherewherewherewhere???!!!!

My heart was pounding so hard it felt like my toes and fingertips were expanding and constricting with each pulse.  I pulled the velcro apart to open the top flap and scanned the contents.  There was a little paper pamphlet at the front, three little books and a few pieces of free paper, and then four or five neatly labeled folders with things like "passport and visas" and "finances and insurance".  I couldn't help the small surge of pleasure I feel when I am given things or make things that are extremely well organized.  I  appreciated that for about 5 seconds before my mind snapped back.

"wherewherewherewhere??"

My eyes automatically zeroed back in on the little pamphlet in the front due.

"YOUR ASSIGNMENT" was printed in block letters on the front, and right below a little ying-yang sun "Country:  Peru" was highlighted.  I waited for that surge of ridiculous excitement that I had felt when Brian had called me and told me about the general geographic region I was going, but I didn't feel it.  It was more an "Oh." or "well, obviously" feeling.  I don't mean I was disappointed but I wasn't jumping around and screaming like I had expected.  When that feeling didn't come I started to panic.  Why wasn't I freaking out?  This is what I had waited so long for, why wasn't I super excited? Was I disappointed? No, it didn't feel like disappointment...  Was it too real and now I was scared? Was I just anxious? Nervous? Was I PMSing? Did I make the wrong choice? What was wrong with me? Did I not want to go to Peru?  The handwritten "Congrats, Hayden!!" on the bottom of the front page of that pamphlet made me feel worse because I didn't feel the exclamation point.

I put the folder down and wandered around my house for a couple minutes hoping to settle my mind.  I didn't feel disappointed, and in the weeks while I waited, whenever anyone asked me where I wanted to end up, I always said Central or South America, saying I hoped to be in Peru, Nicaragua, Costa Rica or Honduras.  I had felt like Peru was a likely option and I was excited for it.  When I found out I would end up in that geographic region, Peru was one of the countries I had happily pictured... It didn't feel like disappointment.

So what was it?  Up until this point, I had counted on my spontaneous reactions to things to guide me, and really give me an idea of how I felt about everything.  I always knew that applying to the Peace Corps was risky, a daring move to dedicate 27 months of my life to a place I'd never been, people I'd never met, a language that isn't my own, and a job I've never done before, in conditions worse than I have ever lived before.  There is a lot to overanalyze and freak out about, and so it was the small steps throughout the application process, the small progressions and successes towards the end goal that told me I was doing the right thing.  The excitement I felt when I got nominated, the pride I felt when I told people what I was going to do after college, the disappointment I felt when I heard I missed the deadline for my first nomination, the anxiety I felt while waiting to be newly assigned, the absolute EXPLOSION of excitement and joy I felt with Brian called me to tell me I had been placed in a central or south american country, and the nervous jittery christmas-eve feeling I had waiting for the packet of information to tell me where I was going.  So why, at the end of it all, did I feel like this?  Did I feel so, "oh, ok." instead of "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I'M SO SOSOSOSOSOSO FLIPPIN EXCITED"...which is what I had definitely anticipated.

I didn't come to an immediate conclusion.

I walked back into the living room, pulled out the little pamphlet thing and sat down to read it.
Program: Community Health Promotion
Job Title: Community Health Promoter
Orientation Dates: September 15, 2011
Pre-service Training (in Peru): September 16, 2011 to November 24, 2011
Dates of Service: November 25, 2011 to November 24, 2013.

The inside of the pamphlet contained various things, A letter from the associate Peace corps Director for Community Health Promotion; History of the program in Peru; a list of and explanation about my primary duties as a community health promoter and peace corps volunteer; potential ideas for secondary projects; the type of work conditions, including available resources, location of job, work hours, cultural attitudes and customs in the workplace, and dress code; Training for the job; living conditions; potential challenges and rewards; and two different letters from peace corps volunteers.

Reading through the pamphlet I was struck repeatedly by how perfect the work is for me.  I will be doing exactly what I wanted to do.  I want to do community health work in a place that really needs it, I really want to go abroad, I really want to go to a spanish speaking country.   Despite how nervous I felt, at the same time, I couldn't shake the feeling that I had gotten exactly what I wanted.  The Peace Corps is giving me the opportunity and authority to do work I would never be given the opportunity to do in the U.S., and they are supporting me while I am doing it.  I felt more contented after reading through that packet, and it mattered less to me that I hadn't jumped for joy when I first found out.

I called Mom, who didn't pick up.  I called AJ and told her.  She was really excited for me, but when I told her how strange my reaction had been she told me I probably just needed time to let it sink in, and that when I started to tell everyone where I was going it would hit me and I would be excited about it.  It comforted me that she didn't seem to think it was a hugely bad sign.  I was restless for Mom to get home.  I knew she'd be excited for me and I wanted to see her face when I told her.

When Mom came home a few hours later, I walked outside with the pamphlet in my hand.  She greeted me in her usually warm, happy-to-be-home way.
"Hey Mom, I have something I think you need to look at." I said seriously, with a completely straight face.
"What? What is it?" She asked, concerned.
I held the pamphlet out to her. She took it in her hand, scanned it for a second before she screamed, "PERU!??!!"
I laughed, "yeah, I'm going to Peru."
"OH MY GOSH!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!"  She looked so pleased I thought she might cry, and she gave me a tight hug.
"I HOPED they would send you there!  Of all the places in the world I want an excuse to visit, this is it!!"
I laughed at her.  I knew full well that regardless of where I was placed, Mom would have said that about anywhere just to make me feel good.  Her excitement did make me feel better though.

I spent the rest of that night talking with Mom about how I felt and looking through the materials with her.  She made me feel better too.  I came to a few conclusions.  First and foremost, I was overwhelmed.  Still not quite over the blunt and unforgiving sever of me from my Yale college life, I had all the stress of no promised future with the Peace Corps and then a lengthy, stressful process with no end in site.  I had also known, in my conversation with Brian when he told me that I had been placed, that I had gotten exactly what I wanted, and that knowing the country was just the icing on top of a great cake.  I had felt the surge of excitement then, and finding out about Peru just felt like an obvious answer to a final question.  I think I also just expected to be able to finally have a vision, to finally be able to picture the next few years of my life when I knew the country.  I expected that relief and comfort of knowing. That wasn't really the case.

The way the Peace Corps works, is that you leave for your country of service and you have training in a central location for three months, before you are shipped out to your personal site for your two years of service.  So even though I know I am going to Peru, and I now know I will be in Lima for training, I have NO idea where in that country I will end up.  I dont know if I will be in the Andes, on the coast, or anywhere else in between.  I still have no real vision and no ability to plant myself.  It's pretty scary, and kind of exciting.  I cant even really read a guidebook about it because lord knows where I will end up and Peru has such a diverse landscape.  So, these factors combined to leave me still lacking the clarity, solidity, and comfort I had hoped for, but excited about an adventure that is perfect for me, and glad to finally have an answer for a few more of everyone's questions, including my own.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Christmas Eve that Never Ends

"What a strange title for a blog post in June..." you think to yourself. There is an explanation, I promise.

Since leaving Yale, I have slept relatively terribly. I have ridiculously vivid dreams every night.  At first they were about graduating.  I graduated every night for a week. Then they were this weird middle ground between graduating and starting my summer job.  Then I had a realization that my job started in 10 days and all of my dreams were about my summer job.  I think my mind was really hunting for something to hold on to, since I still had no idea about the Peace Corps and the only solid thing in my life plan was my upcoming summer job.  Then I heard from the Peace Corps that I had been officially invited, but that I needed to wait for my packet of information to find out what country I am going to.  Well, since Friday, all I have been able to dream about is opening that package that will tell me where I am going.  Multiple times, my dog has woken me up RIGHT before I open the package and I am never successful in replanting myself in that dream for any kind of satisfaction. 

The worst night, by far, was last night, because I was told by Mr. Brian Purse that I would probably get it on Wednesday.  It felt like Christmas Eve used to feel when I was a kid.  I was all jittery and excited, and falling asleep felt like the last thing I could do.  I had to stay up and read until my eyes did the "ok, i'm going to get a little sleep while the other one stays open...we'll rotate every 45 seconds" kind of thing. When we got to the "ok, just give me 5 seconds before we switch" I figured it was time to give up and close them and hopefully I would be able to just zonk out.  But, I did the Christmas morning thing where I had dreamt all night about presents (aka getting my package from the Peace Corps) and I woke up at the crack of dawn (aka 6 am).  I don't remember the last time I woke up naturally at 6am...maybe never to be honest. But I managed to get myself back to sleep with the knowledge that the Post Office wasn't open.  When I got up at 8:30, I went straight to the post office to pick up the mail.  Nothing but a new health insurance card from my Dad which, no offense, left me with one of those moments where I figured someone must be screwing with me.  No packet containing the information you are losing sleep over, but don't worry, here's a health insurance card.  Thank you very much for that snarky move, larger cosmic force/higher power.  Poop.

I am hoping that the package comes this afternoon. The Post Office lady said they get stuff in in the afternoons sometimes. I don't want to miss another night of sleep!  It's the Christmas Eve that never ends!!  Really, I just want to know so I can read all about it in the packet, buy travel books and read those, find literature by famous authors and read that, so I can actually have an answer when people ask me where I am going, AND so that I can use this cool resource on the Peace Corps website that streams tv and radio shows from your country so you can listen to and adapt your ear to the accent and grammatical differences in spanish for that country. SO COOL RIGHT? 

Anyway. waitinggggg.....

Oh, another analogy I like that I just thought of... I feel like I'm stuck in that place with dialup, where you know you are about to get the webpage that holds all the information you want, but you are still waiting for the dial-up to connect and it's just making that screechy horrible noise that lasts forever while it tries to connect and load the webpage.  Yeah, I'm stuck in screechy noise land at the moment...and my new enemy has become the USPS. It's not the first time. 

Wish me luck!...with the...waiting...

Friday, June 3, 2011

NEEEWWWWSSSS!!!!!!

I woke up this morning, made myself some breakfast, waited until I felt fully awake, then dialed Brian Purse's number.  I steeled myself for a whole new cycle of invasive questioning and instead met with his answering machine.  I left my number, told him that my home phone was the best place to reach me, and then hung up.  I then proceeded to call back about every hour until he finally called me back.

"Hello?"
"Hi, I'm looking to speak with H. M.**?"
"Hi!"
"Hi, H.*, this is Brian Purse with the Peace Corps placement office."
"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm great, how are you doing?"
"I'm great, how are you?" (he ignored this little flub of overexcitement/nerves)
"Well, I've found a placement for you."
"Great!" (cue heart POUNDING)
"I just wanted to ask you, do you have any difficulty walking or biking in humid climates?"
"Nope." (whew, that was easy)
"And the placement would be with a host family, would you be comfortable living with a host family for two years?"
"Absolutely." (yay! host family!)
"Ok. Well, I will get this invitation sent to you and it should arrive in the next 5-10 business days."
"Ok!"
"Can you give me the address you would like me to send it to?"
"Oh, of course. It's P.O. Box 117 ....."
"Ok, great. So you will be at a spanish speaking post, central or south america, and you will leave in mid-September."
"That's so PERFECT!!"  (PPERRRRFFEEECCCTTT!!!!!)
"Great! I'm glad to hear it.  I can't actually tell you the country over the phone, but you will get it in the packet in the mail in the next 5-10 days.  It probably won't be processed until monday, so look for it 5 to 10 business days after that.  You will then have 7 days to accept or reject your invitation."
"Oh, ok." (You are going to make me wait for the country? Really?)
"So, do you have any questions for me?"
"Just one. I actually am not going to be at home much longer, I leave for D.C. in a week and I'm a little worried I won't be here when the package arrives and I won't be back until August 28th."
"Oh, that is an issue."
"Yea, and I would give you my address for where I will be, but I actually don't know it, and last year when I had something sent there it took 2 months...which would be a little late for me to accept!"
"That's true.  Well, i can't express deliver anything to a P.O. Box."
"Oh, I'll just give you my street address."
"Perfect."
"It's -------"
"Ok. It should get there by Wednesday of next week then."
"Thank you so much!"
"Congratulations!"
"Thank you!"
"Bye."
"Bye!"

I promptly jumped up and ran through my house screaming, only to come back into the living room and jump up and down screaming.  I freaked my dog out, who got up and wandered towards me to make sure I was alright, and I gave her a huge happy hug!

I can't tell you how excited and relieved and happy I am.  I had prepared myself for West Africa, and started to prepare myself to learn to speak French, and hadn't really figured out what I would do with my finances if I ended up having to leave before I started or finished my summer job.

I am going somewhere, where I already speak the language (kind of, i need to work back to my old level of fluency).  I am going to a region I have been to before and loved.  I am leaving in mid-September, which means I have time to say goodbye to people after I finish my summer job.  I can go to Maine again before I leave to see family.  I will have money from my job.  I am doing public heath work, which I think will be amazing.  I am staying with a host family, which means I will have a group of people I can bond with and who can offer me some kind of support and comfort and teach me more about the culture and customs of wherever I am.  I am so excited. I am so so so so so so excited.  It could not be more perfect. :) :) :) :)  So that's the news for now!

(**this blog post has been edited to remove my name so I'm no longer google-able.  Just playing it safe.)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Spurts of New Information

Mom had a night meeting again tonight and rather than sit at home and be lonely, I ended up catching my friend Catie on facebook, and we made plans to go see a movie.  We had a great time together!  It served as yet another example of how despite long distances apart, it is always so easy to get back into the swing of things.  I am really really glad we got to hang out.  :)

However, once outside of the movie theater, I discovered that I had three new voicemails.  I checked the missed calls list, one voicemail was from my mother, one from an unknown number, and the third wasn't listed on my phone, meaning that I got it when my phone was not in a service area (aka while I was at home). 

"PEACE CORPS??????!!!!" was my initial thought.

Heart racing (always does when I think they called me) I dialed my voicemails, punched in my password and listened as the first message came on.

"Hi, this is Brian Purse from the Peace Corps placement office.  I was just calling because I have a few more questions I would like to ask you."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I pressed "9" to save that message.

Ok, next message.

"Hi, Hayden, this is Laurie with LeadAmerica.  Would you mind just calling me back?  My number is ------. Thanks! bye."

SHIT. I hope that I still have a summer job....

I pressed "9" to save that message.

..next message.

"Hi honey, it's Mom.  I'm driving home on the Kankamangus Highway, I should be home around 10 or 10:30. Love you wuggy."

oh.

I pressed "7" to delete that message.

Poor Catie was driving us home while this whole bonanza went on.  "What happened?" She asked me. "Was it the Peace Corps?"

"Well yes. but..."

Explanation:

Brian Purse is a guy who works in the Peace Corps placement office in the section designated to "health extension", which we all know from my previous post is basically like public health, "health advocacy or education depending on where I am placed."  Brian Purse, in other words, holds approximately 27 months of my life in his hands. Yes, that's right. He decides my future.  It's hard not to beg and plead with this guy to throw me a freaking bone, but I try to be easy going and humorous while still trying to subtlely self-advocate because at the end of the day...it is 27 months of my life. 

Anyway, Brian Purse called me a week before my graduation to ask me all the same questions they had asked me in my initial interview, plus more, and asked if I would be willing to do "worldwide service".  After asking me for a detailed assessment of every important relationship I've ever had and about every personal detail they could possibly think to poke at, I'm curious as to what else he has come up with.  I hope they are not soul searching questions asking for summaries of my hardest experiences and explanations for why they aren't going to affect my ability to serve.  I feel like it has to be easier to become the President than it is to become a Peace Corps volunteer.  The only problem is Peace Corps volunteers are too chill to battle their way into that political hell-hole. 

I am sidetracked.

I don't know what Brian is going to ask me, but I am hoping that I will get a chance to tell him I would like to leave in September.

Next.

Laurie with LeadAmerica.  I would usually wait to call until tomorrow, but I know she is married to her cell phone, and she called me at 6pm.  It is also the week before staff training, and I know how LeadAmerica functions, so I called her back.  Naturally (this is 9pm), she picked up.  In a strained and exhausted voice, poor Laurie asked me if I would be willing to work in NYC for second session.  My first instinct was, "of course" but before I could get that out (thank god), she mentioned that it would be an 8 day session instead of a 10 day session, and I would therefore be taking a pay cut. 

Now let me be frank.  I hate NYC.  It's disgusting, and when it rains, I get gritty dirt all over my body and that frankly grosses me out.  The dorms we stay in at Columbia are so disgusting I thought I would die last year when we had our last conference there.  Bugs climb the walls, the heater was busted in the bathroom so you would break a sweat just opening the door, forget using the toilet or brushing your teeth.  The rest of the building had no airconditioner and it was August in NYC (HOT).  The shower was busted so you would get 2nd degree burns every time you tried to shampoo.  I would have to shower dry and just try to rinse out the shampoo without losing my scalp.  I eventually resorted to sink showers.  The fire alarm in my bedroom was broken and the thing screeched constantly.  In spite of all this, the floor had cardboard all over it, and we took the students on trips to Ellis Island and Times Square.  You know what that meant?  That meant that I had to hustle 20-something little "independent minded" teenagers on and off the NYC subway multiple times.  Yeah. That happened. I thought I would die of a heart attack.  Lastly, in order to do this, I would have to pack up all my stuff and travel to NYC and then travel back to D.C. afterwards, meaning I would lose my vacation days between sessions.  Laurie mentioned there was a chance she would just leave me in NYC for third session. 

Regardless, I was going to say yes, and then she said "pay cut", which I just couldn't agree to.  I don't know how long I will be able to stay at that job before the Peace Corps ships my butt out.  I told her that I hated leaving her in a lurch, and I felt really bad, but I just couldn't take the pay cut.  She said she would check and see if they would still pay me a 10 day session amount for the 8 day session of work and I am now waiting to hear back from her.  I am really hoping that I don't have to go to NYC because after hanging up the phone I realized that I would miss spending time with my brother, his girlfriend, and my cousin, which I have really been looking forward to. 

So now I wait. What's new?

Momentary Direction

I have done a lot of ruminating lately about life post-graduation because I truly feel like I am floating.  For some reason, when you no longer have a to-do list that is a million miles long and constantly added to by various professors, a lot of things you have managed to put off, ignore, or momentarily reconcile with yourself break through your no longer reinforced barrier and smack you right in the face.  I like to think I am relatively at peace with myself, so I probably could have been hit a lot harder, but that didn't make the blow any less surprising.  It's probably more accurate to say that it was a series of little slaps that crescendoed into a dizzying, star-seeing, balance-losing finale, knocking me flat on my ass, wondering what happened.

My time in Maine and my writing, as always, propped me back up on my own two feet and I felt ok again.  A little bewildered but much steadier.  I got home and hung out with friends.  I saw the Hangover II, which honestly wasn't that great.  I realized yesterday, that I only had nine days before I hopped on a plane and headed down to D.C. for my job this summer.  Nine days was a lot less than I thought I had.  I panicked momentarily and then almost felt relieved.  All of the unpacking and organizing and repacking was now placed within a smaller time frame, which provides me with the opportunity to create a to-do list.  I feel more in my element with a list of things to do.  I have a momentary direction with my job fast approaching, and I have the comfort, for now, of knowing what to expect, because it is the same job I had last summer.  There are things I know to expect that I am not looking forward to, but unlike my future after this job ends, I know how to prepare, what to pack, what will happen, what's expected, where I will be, what I will be doing, and I know that I am good at it.  It's about the only grounding force I have right now, and I suppose I must admit that I am thankful for it.  I also am really excited to be in the same place as my brother for more than a week, for the first time in maybe eight years.  As a ridiculously awesome added bonus, I also get to see my cousin Meg and my brother's girlfriend, Lilly, who is wonderful.  I'm really excited about getting to spend time with the three of them!

So what happens after D.C.? Who knows. But I'm ok with it.  At first I was embarrassed that I had nothing to say to anyone when they asked me about the Peace Corps.  It would go something like this.
"So, do you have a plan for (after graduation/this summer/next year/your future)?"
*Sigh* "Well, yes.  I am planning on doing the Peace Corps."
"Oh Wow! When do you leave?"
"Um..*sigh*..well, I don't know yet.  I'm still waiting to find out."
"Do you know where you are going?"
"...no."
"Oh." *awkward pause* "Well do you have a preference?"
"Yes. I am hoping to end up in Central or South America, I speak Spanish already, and I've been there before...but I'll probably end up in West Africa."
"Oh! What makes you think that?"
"Well, most of the health extension programs are in West Africa."
"You know doing "health extension"? What's that?"
"Health extension is health advocacy or education, depending upon where you are and the needs of that place."
"Sort of like public health?"
"Exactly."
"So when will you find out where you are going and when you leave?"
"I don't know. I'm just...waiting..."
"Oh. Well what do you want to do when you get back?"
"No idea, that's why I am running away for two years."

Yeah. That's how it goes every time...pretty much without fail. It was always awkward for me because it always sounded like I had just made it up, like I was saying I was doing the Peace Corps just to have something to say, and not because I was actually doing it.  At this point, it's only frustrating sometimes that I have no answers and sort of hilarious the rest of the time.  People who know me, and have been kept relatively up to date on the application process (which started in October), keep asking me about it so tentatively.  It's as if they think I'm going to explode in impatience and frustration, or from irritation at being strung along and kept completely uninformed.  In truth, the process has been wearisome to say the least, and frustrating at best, but I am fine.  I am not tortured by the waiting, because I know wherever they elect to send me, I am going to go.  That decision makes everything easier, because I am not waiting to decide if I will or will not go. I'm not worried about finding an alternative.  I suppose they might not take me, which would seem silly at this point, but I have a backup plan regardless.  I just have faith that everything is going to turn out like it should.  I will be sent to the place that I can do the most good, I will go where I am supposed to go, and if for some freak reason I am not offered an invitation it's because I was not supposed to go.  In that case, I'll hunt for jobs in Boston, find the cheapest apartment I can, and get to work.  I just can't sit at home much longer feeling unproductive.  I also am hoping that the Peace Corps wants me to ship out in September, so I can get things squared away here and finish work at my summer job so I can afford to pay off what needs to be paid off before I leave.  They have to tell me where I am going at least 8 weeks before they ship me out, so the longer I don't hear, the better chance there is that I am leaving in September.  If I heard today, I would be leaving the 28th of July.  If I left the very first of September, they would have to tell me by July 7th at the lastest.  Part of me hopes I don't hear for a while, and if I have any anxiety right now it is because I need to be able to work for a while before I leave!  So, that's that. I'm relatively at peace for the moment, though I do still miss Yale and am mourning the end of college without a doubt.  Luckily, I have stopped graduating in my dreams every night, and now just have vivid dreams about my upcoming job.  It will be a welcome distraction. 

Love you all.

The end. :)

Thank you!

I didn't know how starting this blog would work, and if it would be something I was glad I did.  A few loving Kappas persuaded me in a Starbucks to start one up for reasons I don't really understand (my kappa emails are usually so long winded!).  However, I have been so, so happy that I did.  Aside from being an outlet for my writing, I have gotten multiple emails and facebook messages with people responding to what I said, some with links to articles or youtube videos that somehow relate.  Other messages are from other empathetic seniors who are experiencing some of the same emotions.  All these messages make me so happy.  I get to keep in touch with people I love, I get to read and watch those interesting things they shared with me that are so applicable, and respond back to them.  I also was totally inspired to write about some of the things they shared with me.  I just wanted to say thank you.  I have loved the email and facebook messages, and the comments on my blog posts.  Thank you thank you!  Keep it up! I love you all :)